2/25/04 – Mindfulness Day
2:52 PM
Yesterday Thay hosted the “young people” (30 and under) for lunch. During afternoon dharma discussion they sang the song for us that they sang for him, in 3-part harmony complete with sound effects.

They taught us the chorus:

Listen more often to things & to beings.
Listen more often to things & to beings.
It is the ancestor’s breath in the sound of the fire.
It is the ancestor’s breath in the voice of the water.

It’s by Sweet Honey in the Rock. The young folks had some keen insights, but most importantly to me, was that they were grateful to be allowed to share with us.

I remember when I was the young person people looked to for the future. Now I am looking to the next generation. I don’t miss my youth. I enjoyed it very much while I had it. And now I’m enjoying this moment.

Thay told the young people he is looking to them to continue his life. So am I. 🙂

I’m tempted to spend the $150 for one of Thay’s calligraphy pieces. My favorites are:

Drink Tea
Smile
The tears I shed yesterday have become rain
This is it

2/24/04
8:45 AM
Dinner was nice. More good conversation with the roommates before bed. We all grumped a bit about the long, indoor walking meditations at night, but none of us had any better ideas for dealing with so many people.

10:52 AM
Got up this morning at 5:10. I was in the main meditation hall by 5:50. Sitting was good. The monks & nuns are so still, they encourage us by example to take our practice to the next level. The 14 precepts, or “mind trainings” as Thay calls them, were read in Vietnamese. Then we lay people were “invited” to leave. 🙂

The monastic novices took precepts & we went to the dining hall to have them read in English. Then the Order of Interbeing members shared with us what the mind trainings had meant in their lives. Like we cared. They would have been better off answering audience questions. It was way too touchy-feely for me as they passed the mic. Luckily, it was only 15 min.

I found out [Retreatant 1] feels about the OIB like I do. [Retreatant 2] is a member, but I didn’t know until today because she doesn’t wear the uniform (brown jacket & cutesy nametag with dharma name in English, “member since” date, & real name) and she isn’t preachy. [Retreatant 3] is a member, & although she made sure we all knew it right away, she’s not holier-than-thou about it. (“I’m the Serenest!” – Onion article.)

Christine is a retired attorney, member of the CA bar. She worked for Latham Watkins in NY. She is 59 & retired in 1998. She has a NY apartment above the UN & a house in Brittany, France. Damn. Just…damn.

For work practice I washed vegetables with John from Sydney, Elaine from Houston, Edward, Kim from Houston, & a lawyer from a small NM town.

Last night while cleaning up [in the kitchen] after dinner, I asked the smiling monk (there are so many!) for a dish towel. He showed me where they were, stopping what he was doing to do so. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” I said.

He answered in a warm voice, “You are not disturbing me. I don’t get disturbed.” I’d like to cultivate that.

12:20 PM
Just got back from walking meditation. One of the Vietnamese monks led us in Tai Chi exercises on the hilltop. It made me think of my dharma buddy, Stig, who teaches Tai Chi in FL.

1:55 PM
Some thoughts on gender & sense of self. The first day, I met a bald woman with advanced cancer. She told our dharma discussion group that she is dying & that she no longer has her breasts or any female organs. I wanted to tell her that she was still herself, but what does that mean, anyway?

Trish told me that she shaved her head while she was in India. She went around in men’s pants & no make up, and people called her “Sir.” And she had enjoyed it.

I love being female, & simultaneously hate the way I’m treated for it most of the time. I have a love-hate relationship with being a woman. But how much of my identity is tied to my femininity? Would “I” still be “me” if I ceased to be female? If I ceased to be a “lawyer”? If I ceased to be my parents’ daughter?

Who Am I?

What Is This?

—————————-

[Retreatant 3] doesn’t like the pretentious OIB nametags anymore than I do. She changed her to read simply [her real name].

6:45 PM
I had dinner with four charming gentlemen tonight. Of course, they were all Vietnamese monks, & we were eating in “noble” silence. Here are Deer Park, that only means no speaking. Eye contact & non-verbal communication are okay if it’s not to excess. So we had a nice time. At one point I was trying to scoot forward to let the person at the table behind me out, but there wasn’t enough room. Since our table was at the end of the row, the three brothers sitting opposite me pulled the whole table toward them. There was much smiling.

I spend a lot of time talking & laughing with & listening to my roommates. They are truly amazing women, all.

2/23/04
10:04 AM
Thay’s talk [yesterday] was not very accessible to those not already familiar with his books. He’s very soft-spoken; better suited to more intimate gatherings than the 1,000 or so people there. Too much singing at the beginning. Some people left before he even began speaking.

In spite of my body trying to doze, I got most of what he had to say. The Q & A with the audience was the best part. Thay was in his element & had the audience in the palm of his hand.

The bus ride each ways was nice. I sat with Stephanie, who has 3 dogs & a husband on 75 acres, & had a wonderful visit. Irvine was sunny, & our picnic lunch on the grass was fun.

It was raining when we got “home,” as I think of Deer Park now. We [my roommates & I] all had tea & talked for a while after dinner, even once we were each in our beds. “Isn’t this cozy, the 5 of us?” asked Trish. And indeed it was. I reconnected to my own gender in a profound way last night. That alone would be worth the trip.

This morning I slept in until 6:40. It’s “lazy day,” & breakfast wasn’t until 7:45. More yummy oatmeal & soy milk. More tasty apples & cheese.

Another Kensho moment at breakfast. This one was temporal rather than spatial. The mindfulness bell chimed & I thought to myself “this moment is the only moment there is.” Suddenly, past & future collapsed inward to the present. There had been no past. There would be no future. There was only this little bit of oatmeal between the roof of my mouth & tongue, the feeling of the chair under my butt, and my breath. Only now, microsecond to microsecond. Then I thought about writing the experience in my journal, thereby creating the idea of “future,” & the moment was gone, slipped into the re-emergent past.

Speaking of food, a major pre-occupation of mind this trip, dinner last night was leftovers & Lee’s sandwiches. We laughed about having subs on retreat. I got to have more of that delicious pasta with black olives that I regretted not taking more of the first time it was offered.

This morning the clouds were clearing, so I went to make friends with the mountain. A wonderful hike in silence, meeting other silent seekers along the way, both monastics & lay people. I found a rocky outcropping hanging out over the valley, & meditated out there until a light rain began to fall. Even then I stayed, listening to an unseen stream far below, until the temperature began dropping. The birds stopped singing, & I took my cue from them & came back down.

4:23 PM
The rest of the morning was spent reading. I’ve done a lot of reading, this far all of it on Zen. I have one Tibetan Buddhist book with me, but I doubt I’ll get to it.

I found a quote I like in my reading today:

See what is.
See what is not.
Follow the way.
-The Dhammapada

Lunch was good. I like this mindful eating thing. Afterwards I got my camera & a snack bar & went up the other side of the monastery. The clouds threatened more rain, & I dared them to do their worst. It comes down to my not minding getting wet. It didn’t rain, but it would have been okay if it had.

About halfway back down I stopped for a snack as I felt my blood sugar dropping. I ate my Slimfast bar mindfully, & Mild Berry Chewy Granola was never so interesting. Another brief epiphany, but this was just the realization that, as one of Buddha’s disciples said, “I know that I am eating.” (He actually said, “We know when we are eating.”) Okay, it was actually pretty damned profound in the moment in which it occurred, & there was no other moment, which was part of the revelation.

I hiked for nearly 3 hours this afternoon, after hiking about 1 1/2 to 2 this morning. Now I’m going to read for 2 hours until dinner.

One more thing…I miss Tony [my boyfriend at the time]. I almost cratered & called him last night. But it’s important to me to stay focused. Which doesn’t necessarily preclude calling him, but probably will.

2/22/04
7:15 AM Field Trip Day!
Today at breakfast I took two slices of apple. Was there ever anything so perfect as an apple? Crisp, fresh and sweet, it left my mouth feeling clean. I ate part of it with cheese, part without, & some cheese by itself. I enjoyed the different flavor & texture combinations on my tongue. It’s amazing how interesting food is when you pay attention. I wonder what mindfulness can do for sex…

Ah, yes, over 48 hours without sexual release, & I’m feeling it. I’m not aroused, it’s more of a feeling of vague lacking, like something’s missing. As with everything else going on around me right now, I simply note it & move on.

I met a cute guy last night in the tea room while I was journaling. It’s funny that I would perceive him that way here. I hadn’t realized how accustomed I am to interacting with men as sexual creatures. I saw the guy this morning at the dining hall and he motioned for me to go through the door ahead of him. We smiled wordlessly as we’re practicing noble silence. But there was nothing flirty about it. It was the same smile I’d have given anyone, & I’m sure his was the same.

2/20/04 Deer Park
The drive was beautiful! Huge storm clouds covered the sky, reminding me of west Texas. I-5 goes right next to the sea.

Ocean in winter
Hungry waves eat up the shore
Sky and sea, all gray.

I drove past a navel base. I only got a glimpse of their signs as I went by at a speed certainly in violation of state law. But I saw the big “GO NAVY” and their unit’s motto:

Honor Courage Commitment

Not a bad philosophy for any undertaking.

And then…

“I have arrived”

…proclaimed the sign in large, friendly letters.

After a bit of confusion, I found my way to the registration office, which was closed for lunch. So I walked, took pictures, smiles, & breathed.

A nice lady showed me to the tearoom to wait. Then a nice man came to tell me the registration office was open. I registered, & the same man showed me to my room.

I was initially disappointed to learn that Thay [Thich Nhat Hanh] would be in Irvine on Sunday. Then my roommate Trish told me I could bus in with the sangha. She convinced me it would be fun, so I’m going.

Now I have a choice of total relaxation, dharma discussion, or hike. I think I’ll take the hike. 🙂

7:03 PM
I missed the hike due to getting lost. A friendly monk set me on the right path, but I was too late. So I went to a dharma discussion. Too new-agey for me. Too much drama, too much angst. I’ll try to find better uses for my time.

My roommates are all white, middle class. At least they aren’t all American.

Trish – SC
Christine – France
Kate – northern CA
Stephanie – WV
Carolyn – northern CA

Katy & Carolyn are in the same sangha at home, & neither knew the other was coming!

We had tea & cookies courtesy of Christine & Trish. Our neighbor Jackie joined us. Seven women sitting on the floor. 🙂

2/15/04 Huntington Beach, CA
I begin yet another journal. This one was purchased for my first overnight retreat, which starts at the end of this week.

May I approach it with no expectations. May I remember that there is nothing to attain.

May “I” fall away.

“The places we visit owe us nothing for the effort we expend to visit there.” – Eric Chaline, “Zen and the Art of Travel”

I can ill afford the time away from work. I’m frightened of going away by myself. I’m scared of sitting for a week when the longest I’ve ever done is a single say.

May I approach this retreat free from expectations…

I went on a retreat to Deer Park Monastery in Escondido, CA in 2004 to study with Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. It was the “rainy season” retreat. All the monks and nuns from both of Thich Nhat Hanh’s monasteries were in residence: about 250 of them. There were also about 250 lay people. The retreat lasted three months. Some few lay people were there the entire time. I got to go for a whole week, and it was a mind-opening experience.

I kept a journal then, and I’ve decided to publish it here for what it’s worth. As always, to practice right speech I may censor people’s names. (For example, you won’t find which of my roommates snored.) I was rather opinionated in parts of my journal of 4 1/2 years ago. I’d like to think that I’m less so today. Whether I’ve grown or not, I submit my journal “warts and all.” Perhaps there’s something to be learned here.